taking care of you back to planning
image by Suzanne Hansen
Create intimacy and trust with your future partner through clear and effective communication.
"Then you should say what you mean" the March Hare went on, "I do!" Alice hastily replied; "at least I mean what I say-that's the same thing, you know." "Not the same a bit!" said the Hatter. "Why you might just as well say that "I see what I eat" is the same as "I eat what I see'!"
You are madly in love and you are getting married! Your vows will take you into a new way of loving each other and sharing your life together. You will speak your deepest feelings, desires and truth to your fiancé and it will change your lives. The spoken word has the power to do that.
What is good communication?
In the ancient culture of Persia the word sama [sah*mah*ah] means listening to spirit with your heart or listening to the spiritual music of your heart. Communication is the song of love. Every healthy relationship depends on the exchange of feelings, hopes, dreams and desires. You know what you want with your mate; love, fidelity, joy, compassion, to be understood, and heaven knows you mean what you say, as Alice did. But, saying what you mean and having your partner or spouse understand what you meant can become as confusing and frustrating as a Mad Hatter's tea party. You know you love each other and that your passion and hope will always be there. How is it then that the simple act of communicating your feelings can go off course? Here are some guidelines for improving your existing communication skills, recognizing poor communication and tips for staying on course so that you and your fiancé can sing life's most beautiful song together for the rest of your lives.
What is great communication?
Great communication is speaking your truth while staying completely present within your emotions. What that means is being aligned with your thoughts and feelings before you open your mouth! Clear communication is one of the most effective ways to create deep intimacy and trust. Communication means literally to commune or to be in union with another person. This is a very deep and sacred place to go with the one you love, whether it be communicating physically or verbally; you are expressing your deepest feelings and creating intimacy.
It takes two to speak the truth-one to speak, and another to hear. ~Henry David Thoreau
We need to share ourselves with someone as surely as we need to breathe. True love requires nurturing to grow and last a lifetime. Good communication, is a skill that anyone can develop into an art form; the art of giving and receiving love. Great communication utilizes your natural gifts; understanding others, knowing and honoring yourself and expressing yourself clearly. Our deepest hopes and dreams must be expressed to live. Great communication results in a real-life wonderland of deep trust, love and intimacy; its rewards are rich and they are yours for the taking. All you need do is ask.
This article by Pamela Ann Noxon, H.H.P. founder SanDiegoWedding.com
image by Suzanne Hansen
Time to rediscover how you and your future spouse view your goals, aspirations, values and partnership together.
Getting to the altar requires a great deal of time and energy. Creating a relationship that will withstand the test of time requires even more. To create and sustain a lasting relationship - couples must blend together without occluding one another. Balanced partnership requires respect, communication and love. With a hefty dose of effort!
Today getting the right skills from a qualified professional couples counselor is a smart move. No one is born with all of the skills required to make partnership work and getting a little guidance is a good move. One of the single best investments you can make in your relationship is pre-marital counseling. We learn most of our relating skills from our parents and our surroundings so sometimes we may need to redefine how we want to view partnership and love.
Workshops, counseling and books to assist you in strengthening and developing relationship skills will help you say "I do" in many ways for the rest of your lives.
image by Suzanne Hansen
Knowing how and when to accept family input is crucial when planning your wedding. Learn how to balance your life and set boundaries.
Interestingly enough, you may find that without even having to ask, your family will offer a plethora of ideas, information and input on how to have the perfect wedding. But when does it end?
Utilizing this phenomenal resource can not only enrich your event but can leave your family feeling honored, respected and loved. Handling their input and their needs properly and with respect will allow everyone to enjoy your wedding day feeling connected. Setting boundaries is an important first step for many couples who are used to planning and implementing their lives on their own without familial input and are surprised when distant relatives begin offering their advice on wedding planning. Often times couples planning their event feel as if they are being pushed to have the event that previous generations did not or could not have. This is not your responsibility, no matter who is paying, period. It is your event (pure and simple) and yet you may find you dearly wish to give back to your family in some way, with your wedding event.
image by Suzanne Hansen
Children in weddings; the memories, the joy, the...surprises! If you have decided to have children in your ceremony and/or at your reception, here are some tips and helpful hints to allow everyone to enjoy the big day and create happy memories for all.
Try to keep kids happy down the aisle.
Everyone has fond memories of the adorable flower girl and ring bearer coming down the aisle with smiles and nervousness and occasionally a few tears. But depending on the child, even the smallest role in a wedding ceremony can be frightening and a little overwhelming. Knowing the psychology of dealing with kids in the high pressure wedding environment is crucial to insuring that everyone makes it through unscathed.
Here are a few tips to remember:
Keep in mind that children change rapidly. A “yes” from a small child a year before the event may change to a “no” and vice versa.
Older children [10-14] will need junior bridesmaid or groomsmen positions as the traditionally younger role of flowergirl and ringbearer may insult them.
If a small child balks at the last minute, honor their fear! Forcing a child to do something they are uncomfortable with will leave all of you a little scarred.
Unique Idea for Incorporating Kids.
A few inventive ways to incorporate kids:
Have flowergirl ring a bell “the bride is coming, the bride is coming!" Have children be pages and carry the bride's train. Have your flowergirl pull a wagon decorated with flowers or candles to hand out to guests. Have flowergirl carry a parasol decorated to match event. Decorate a baby stroller to have an attendant push down aisle.
Helping Children Enjoy Your Reception
Children and even preteens [usually found sulking in the corner] will be more prone to hitting dance floor if they hear familiar music. Some tips:
Ask children in advance for their favorite pop songs and be sure your DJ has them on hand.
Play kid friendly music earlier in the evening before kids run out of steam.
Occupy kids when they are not dancing with an arts and crafts table complete with crayons, paper and supplies.
Hire a professional babysitter to monitor children at reception or in a nearby hotel room.
Mealtime tips to keep kids happy
Food is a highly charged issue for children. Having easy and familiar foods available for children at your reception will alleviate problems and allow parents to enjoy the event too!
Have a kid’s buffet - keep it low to the ground but grown up with chafing dishes and condiments etc.
Always remember: Kids love ketchup!
Ask your caterer to create a kid's menu with favorites like hot dogs and hamburgers, french fries and mac 'n cheese.
Mini wedding cakes or personalized cupcakes make a fun kid-friendly finish to the meal.
Did we mention: Kids love ketchup!
One of the most important aspects of living and loving fully is to retain a childlike perspective, so remember to enjoy planning your wedding with all the surprises that unfold with childlike wonder and abandon.
image by Suzanne Hansen
Gift giving is an art form. Handing over a gift that will be truly appreciated and treasured involves paying attention to what the receiver really wants and likes.
Excellent gift giving requires thinking outside the box and using a little creativity.
For your bridal party and attendants (and indeed anyone who has gone above and beyond for your wedding day), give gifts that keep on giving like something that makes them feel good, pampered, special or something they can use or wear again and again to remind them of your close bond.
Monogrammed items have become a bit clichéd. A personal gift speaks volumes about how much you value that person for who they are as an individual.
Be sure to make each gift different for each recipient. Or at least make your maid, matron or man of honor attendees a little more special, after all they have been your main support through all of your planning and stress. Your attendants will feel greatly appreciated.
As you travel the web and look through shops you see a usual list of what to get the men and what to get the woman. It is ok to cross the gender barrier, maybe one of your male attendees would love a facial or a woman attendee would love to receive a Home Depot gift certificate. You do not have to spend a lot of money, just think creatively. Rehearsal Dinner is an opportune time for gift giving, as long as everyone is receiving something. And don’t forget your future spouse!! A surprise gift the night before the wedding says “I love you” in a very special way.
~A bottle of champagne and a pedicab ride through downtown.
~A day at the spa (for the whole a group or individual).
~A movie night package for 2 (complete with popcorn & sweets).
~A customized CD with their favorite songs.
~A photo album or collage of past pictures of the two of you.
~Individual themed baskets filled with DVD’s, CD’s, Coffee or Tea for example.
~Enroll them in a club, wine of the month club, flower of the month club, Book or CD club.
~Dinner gift certificate at their favorite restaurant.
~Concert Tickets to their favorite band.
~A round trip to San Francisco with 2 nights at a hotel and dinner at a restaurant and pay for it. All with extra mileage points you earned from paying for your wedding.
~A pair of tickets to the summer pops concerts by the bay.
~Tickets to the ballet, symphony or opera for your more cultured friends.
~A picnic basket, lunch and map to enjoy a day by the shore.
image by Suzanne Hansen
Partner with the right people to help represent your beliefs and vision. Check out our advice on picking your vendors.
Hiring the right vendors involves finding them, interviewing them either by phone or preferable in person and of course establishing the guidelines by which you will work with each other.
Always have a written contract binding your vendor to exactly what you have agreed upon.
A contract should include, but not be limited to;
Please do not expect any vendor to hold a wedding date for you without a retainer for more than a few days. Vendors receive many requests for dates which are obviously very limited.
Sign your contract, keep a copy and send payment in a certified letter form so you know that they received it. Confirm receipt in one week and of course, confirm all vendors one month prior to your event.
Hiring a Photographer
Finding a photographer for your wedding or any other part of your wedding team is an important decision. Photographers are very different from one another on how they run their business and how they capture their imagery. Some are passionate and you can see it, others more tame.
The range in price is also very diverse. Styles vary and many photographers have their own unique appeal.
Your photographer can be a powerful influence at your wedding and that could be a good or bad thing. Many photographers excel in one area at the expense of another. Some people are great at shooting beautiful imagery but offer a limited range of service.
Others offer a valuable service but only mediocre imagery. Even more, there are great photographers, with great service and truly offer value that exceeds their market price. If they offer beautiful imagery and consistency - they are most likely priced higher because they are in limited supply.
A wedding is not a professional in-studio photo shoot. It is not a controlled environment, lighting, wind, angles, setting, expressions, gestures and nothing is static everything is dynamic. A photographer’s talents need to be focused on capturing the reality of the day and the beauty that exists within the reality, the gestures, the couple and the relationship between the people.
There are several ways to assist you in choosing the right person for your event.
A. Reception sites are usually the beginning and typically offer a preferred list of vendors including photographers. As you scout for locations to have your wedding be sure to get a list and then cross-reference the lists.
B. Ask other people, friends, florists, wedding coordinators, reception site coordinators, all of them offer valuable opinions and can give you insight on conduct and more.
C. People who are Internet savvy will save hours of time as you can view a photographer's portfolio online. You can see a person's style and know by looking at it if you love, like or hate it.
D. Wedding magazines like Elegant Bride and Martha Stewart Weddings have valuable articles, resources and checklists to assist you in knowing what to look for. Local publications like the San Diego Bride & Groom or the San Diego Wedding Pages are rich with resources that are local to you.
E. SanDiegoWedding.com's Wedding Party bridal show allows you to meet pre-screened vendors in a setting which allows you to view work, speak to the photographer and listen to his or her view on wedding photography.
When consulting with a photographer, look for multiple layers of credibility. Anyone can put together a compelling set of images if you have shot enough weddings, so ask to see an entire wedding album from the same couple. Are the photos consistent in their emotional impact? Are there a lot of great images or only a few?
Read your contracts. Ask about policies, procedures, estimated timelines for completion of reprints, albums, prices etc. Be clear on what is involved. Use your intuition. Trust your judgment. You made it this far.
Finally, consider photography an "investment" rather than an "expense." You will cherish and share your images with generations. The rewards are lasting, unlike many of the more transient aspects of your wedding. The richness and permanence that sentimental, honest and beautiful imagery offers is priceless.
Article by Boyd Harris Photographs
image by Suzanne Hansen
You need time for yourself to get away and rejuvenate! Schedule time to renew your mind, body and spirit.
Alternative therapies - the fastest way to beat stress!
Massage is the age-old remedy to stress. What better way to get away from it all than to lie down and be treated to someone rubbing the tension out of tired muscles? Massage has actually been scientifically shown to temporarily reduce blood pressure, relieve muscle tension, improve concentration and aid sleep.
When massage isn't enough to take the edge off from the stress of picking bridesmaid dresses and choosing a location for your reception; try acupuncture before begging for anti-anxiety drugs from your doctor. Acupuncture is the insertion of very tiny needles at specific points of the body to balance the body's subtle energy. When this energy or qi [pronounced "chi"] is out of balance, there can be a whole host of symptoms from tight muscles to severe digestive problems, anxiety, panic attacks, coughing, headache, insomnia, PMS and many others. An acupuncturist can tell you where you have too much qi and where there is too little - then use needles to balance the systems and bring the body back into harmony.
Sound like a weird way to relax? Most of my patients find the needle insertions to have minimal discomfort - at most like a mosquito bite and then find the treatment to be deeply relaxing. The needles are single use, individually packaged and sterile, so you can't catch anything from them. They leave feeling refreshed and ready to face their future in-laws!
Skin and beauty:
Every bride wants to have perfectly glowing skin. Unfortunately, stress tends to bring out the worst in our skin. While acupuncture can't fix the last minute blemishes or cold sore outbreak, regular treatments before the big day can keep your body healthier and help your skin to look its best. In Chinese medical theory, the skin is the tissue associated with the lung system. The lung system is the most surface area of the body and the one that has the most contact with the environment. Thus it is the easiest system to become out of balance. The lung system is also associated with the emotion of grief. If there is someone close to you who will be unable to come to the wedding or who passed away recently, your lung system will be especially taxed. In additional to the internal aspects that affect your skin, there is a whole area of acupuncture which specializes in face lifts. Imagine having firmer skin with better muscle tone in your face without a visit to the plastic surgeon! One of my patients found this out by accident - we had been using a point on her face which helps to calm the mind and relieve stress. While dressing after her treatment, she noticed that one of the wrinkles between her eyebrows was gone! She started requesting that point with every treatment :-) Acupuncture face lifts can be done with needles or with an electro stimulation unit which does not require needles. Massage can also be used to help tone and firm the muscles of the face and to increase blood flow to this area, which will help you to maintain that glow.
Family issues:
No external treatment can make your mother reasonable or your sister like her bridesmaid dress. Acupuncture can't make your future husband eager to sit with you for the fourth hour of designing the perfect centerpiece, nor can it make him understand why it is so important that you pay $200 to have your hair and make-up done on the day of your wedding. However, acupuncture and massage can help you to relax enough that their reactions bother you less. When you are dealing with a lot of family issues and with conflicting priorities (your size 2 bridesmaid REALLY wants the pretty little sheath dress which is stunning on her but leaves much to be desired for your size 16 sister; your twice divorced friends will all be in the same room with their exes and new spouses and now your grandmother is refusing to attend at all, etc.....) the stress can take a toll on your body. You begin to feel fatigued. Your appetite decreases (or maybe increases) and you begin to exist on a diet of chocolate and diet soda.
It becomes harder and harder to keep a cool head with your future spouse when he asks how your day went. It becomes hard to unwind enough to fall asleep at night and you wake up with nightmares about walking down the aisle in your underwear. All of these things are signs of an imbalance in your qi and an overabundance of stress hormones. Acupuncture and massage can help to bring your body back into balance, which in turn brings your emotions and spirit back into balance. When your body, mind and spirit are in balance, it is easier to deal with all the little family stuff that makes you crazy.
Sleep disorders:
Many sleep disorders are due to having so many things buzzing around your head that you are unable to let go and fall asleep. In Chinese medicine, we say that the heart is disturbed so the spirit has no place to rest peacefully at night. There are many combinations of acupuncture points which can calm the spirit and balance the qi of the heart, allowing you to get the sleep you need. If acupuncture alone is not enough, there are a variety of herbal formulas which can gently bring your spirit to its resting place in the heart without the side effects of pharmaceutical sleep aids. As always, the focus of treatment is restoring balance to the qi of all the organ systems. When the qi is balanced, the spirit is able to rest, and you will be able to sleep. If needles for sleep sounds too radical for you, try having a massage after work, then go home and take a warm (not hot) bath with lavender and/or rose scented oils. Massage will allow you to unwind, take the tension out of tight and sore muscles, improve your circulation and give you a much needed hour away from the rest of your life.
Prioritizing:
In Chinese medicine, we say the small intestine sorts through the options, the kidney gives you the willpower to make a decision and the gallbladder gives you the "gall" to stick with the decisions you make. If your qi is out of balance, more than likely one or more of these systems will be out of balance. When you find yourself paralyzed by the prospect of picking a menu for your event, the thought of interviewing another dj sends you into tears and your future spouse thinks you've had PMS for the last 3 months and is wondering when you will finally snap out of it - it is time for your next acupuncture treatment! In fact, don't let it get to that point. While acupuncture can't make the decisions for you, it CAN help to give you the clarity of thought that you need to set your priorities and stick to them.
Relationships:
All of the above is applicable. If acupuncture and massage are not enough to make dealing with your relationships easier, it may be time for therapy. There are some excellent counselors in most areas who are qualified to help you unravel the things that are not working in your relationships.
Article by Lisa Haven, Doctor of Oriental Medicine
image by Suzanne Hansen
A path of growing love and acceptance awaits you and your spouse through your journey together. Read how your future committed relationship can positively transform your life.
What a special time in your lives! The world is new, you're in love and you get to start planning your wedding together. Now is the time to build your decision making skills with one another. The very essence of partnership is two individuals creating a balanced whole out of two halves. Yet making all of your wedding decisions together can become stressful; Why? Well, we, as a culture, are very individuated. Most of the time our parents do not dictate our way of thinking and we are used to living pretty autonomously. We think for ourselves. To create a marriage of two individuals requires a change in your way of thinking.
All cultures and religions honor change throughout your life. When you graduated or got your first "real" job, there was an implication that "Now you are an adult. Well now you are becoming half of a very powerful union. Your way of living as one will end. Now "I" becomes "We." In the past men had a little more difficulty with this metamorphosis from I to We. Women were more subservient and the role handed to them was the underlying when it came to decision making. Maybe that's why the Bride used to go so crazy with controlling the wedding planning. One last autonomous decision before entering into an unbalanced partnership? Possibly, but now things have changed?
In our time and culture we celebrate two distinct and whole human beings coming together into a relationship where all decisions will be negotiated together. House buying, money spending, to having children, or to not having children, even planning your wedding. Today a wedding is no longer the bride and her mother's domain. It is an interactive event that expresses both the bride's and the groom's belief system and style. You may have more headaches putting things together as the two-headed monster, but give it time and patience, the rewards of a balanced partnership are adult rewards they require adult skills and responsibilities; compromise sometimes. Okay, compromise a lot. You may just be discovering your mate's style. It takes a lifetime to get to know someone. And just because you are madly in love does not mean that you do not view life differently. Everyone has a different definition of what marriage means. Talk. Listen. Learn to communicate, to express yourself verbally and even more important, learn to listen. Ask each other questions. Do not assume that you know what your mate feels and thinks. Allow that journey of discovery to unfold with love and acceptance. And of course, keep your power struggle to a minimum by divvying up the decisions; She gets fashion and flowers, He gets music. Your wedding is symbolic of the marriage you are creating together. Don't sacrifice harmony for the need to have everything your way. This really is an incredible time. A time of transformation and growth not only for you, but for everyone who is connected with you. Have an incredible wedding and an even better marriage.
image by Suzanne Hansen
Romance is a state of mind. Have you ever noticed that one or two romantic gestures toward a loved one is almost certain to come back around to you.
See, romance is about attention, - which (I think) is what really makes the world go 'round - attention to detail, attention to what we say (and sometimes what we don't say), what we do and what we want. It's human nature to desire attention, which goes hand in hand with affection. When we pay attention to our loved ones, I mean really pay attention; we will find opportunities for romance.
Pessimists aren't very good romantics. You have to commit to a romantic lifestyle to really revel in the full benefit of romance. It's not easy to be romantic at first; we have to re-program ourselves to look for opportunities that can quickly be turned into romance. You have to look at the world through rose colored glasses (to a certain extent) to be a true romantic. Romance doesn't happen on its own very often but there is some good news - romance is highly contagious and it gets bigger and better every time it shows up.
Even after we've committed to this romantic style of living, sometimes we have to have a little push in the right direction. Several things that I have found help me out tremendously:
1. Monthly planning. I set aside a few minutes on a certain day of the month to plan a couple of romantic events. The nice thing is that you can do as much or as little, and be as simple or extravagant as you like. The main thing is to set a goal, maybe a couple of times a month at first. (Ideally we would do something every week). It could start as simply as leaving a nice note in their jacket pocket or as complex as a surprise weekend getaway. Just put a little thought into it.
2. The Internet. I sign up with all my favorites. I keep a folder in my email specifically for "romance". Travel specials, flowers, food, lingerie, city happenings websites (like the ones that email you the weeks local events) are handy. They will give you ideas to use now or later. If you're running short on time, have something delivered or send a gift certificate, e card, etc. And when you find things on sale....
3. Gift Closet Stock. I use this thing all the time. That way when you need a quick gift, it's already there waiting. I've found this to be a fun little game I play with myself, to try and see if I can find something every couple of weeks to add to it. Again, it doesn't have to be a lot, maybe a card or anything you think they will like. Seize the moment! I have to admit I didn't come up with this one on my own. Which brings me to the next one...
4. Gregory Godek is THE romance guru of our lifetime. (Ladies, how would ya like to be married to this man?) He has several books, a website and a life that is devoted to romance. Make him your new best friend. His books are all over the bookstore (relationships section), his ideas will be more than enough to get the ball rolling.
5. Leave Bold Hints. When you run across something that interests either of you, cut it out, copy it, print it up or stick it right smack dab in the middle of the fridge. Your significant other is sure to comment on it and maybe even act on it. If it's something that interests them, you'll know by their reaction whether or not to act on it yourself. Besides, you may learn something about them that you didn't know.
REMEMBER - Romance goes both ways, you have to be willing to receive it in order to give it. (What a shame) And you do have to give it, if you expect to receive it. The most romantic thing we can give is often the gift of ourself.
Advice from Brooke Durham, Image Specialist
image by Suzanne Hansen
Stress can be a real energy zapper when you are planning a wedding and (when out of hand) can begin to affect your relationship.
As you come to create your wedding, each of you will have your own unique idea of how a wedding is supposed to look and feel, who is supposed to be there, where it is supposed to take place and certainly how much it is supposed to cost!
There is no supposed to. There is only your wedding event. A wedding is a ritual of two individuals becoming one in partnership. In any partnership; whether in business or in love, proper planning [sharing dreams] and organization [putting out work and energy,] prioritization [focus and balance,] and open communication [intimacy] allows the partnership to grow more connected and stronger; not blow apart from conflict and disagreement.
When pulling together your wedding details - being true to yourself must be balanced with honoring your future mate’s desires. This will help you get through the stressful process of wedding planning with your relationship intact and hopefully made even stronger.
Planning a wedding is somewhat of a rite of passage. It is stressful. But you and your future mate will be learning to deal with decision making [a lot of it in fact] and compromise. These very important skills are essential for married people and families to thrive.
So try to relax, prioritize the various aspects of your event, hire professional people, delegate to anyone you trust who offers help and get a massage!